The New Girl

What a mess.

Maggie and I are splitsville, as a result of her being unable or unwilling to take things to the next level. She knows she's making a mistake, knows that she shouldn't be running from this, but here we are. It's a difficult situation to be in, for sure. She says she still wants to end up with me, but for right now, while we're living in different cities and leading, essentially, different lives, she can't do the distance. And while I was initially very hurt by this, and while it still hurts to think about, the fact is that the distance was wearing on both of us in a major way.

So what do I do? Naturally, I call up a girl that I went to high school with, a girl that I reconnected with at our ten year reunion in December. I see what she's up to. We go out, first with her friends, then on our own, then again last night... and it's normal and fulfilling to have a great conversation with a great person over a great dinner, then follow it up with a very nice, sweet kiss at the end of the night when she drops me off at my apartment.

And we feel... empty.

It's the fire that we want. It's the fire that we crave. And if there is no spark, there can be no fire. Right? Or am I overthinking?

Probably overthinking, SDW.

I will see her again. This much I've already decided. And if something were to develop that got more serious, I would certainly be open to that idea. But...

The fire of Maggie cannot be denied. This is my worry. And as turbulent as our relationship was (is?), when I kissed Maggie I felt something. It's something so strong, something that I've never felt before, and something that cannot be easily replaced with conversation and mild interest.

I need that fire. And if it means being consumed by it in a relationship with Maggie, so be it.

The question is, am I required to feel bad that I'm not putting all of myself into this still-very-young whateverthehellitis I have with the new girl? Or should both of our expectations be tempered by the fact that we've just begun?

In-fat-u-a-tion

Me. Yep.

It's the little things that bring on infatuation. The unexpected messages on IM. The smiley faces in emails.

I cannot wait to see her again.



I know she's gonna leave my broken heart behind her
I dig what she's givin' though
I know she's gonna leave this broken man behind her
I dig what she's givin' though.

stunning coincidence

I swear to Jeebus, this happened.

While working today, I came across a writer with the first name of Efrain. Immediately, as if on cue, thoughts drifted to a night last fall in Boulder, with my then-girlfriend Lauren, at a restaurant by that same name. The special on the menu? "The Efrain," a mysterious combination of meat, beans, tortilla, cheese and chili that had my taste buds dancing and my stomach doing backflips. Thankfully, Lauren was quite, um, forgiving, regarding my tummy issues. Mr. Giggles - yes, I've named my stomach in lieu of naming my dick - was noisy and annoying that night.

The odd thing about "The Efrain": they refuse to tell you what's in it, and if you order it, you are prohibited from sending it back. This seems dangerous from a food-allergy standpoint, but also a strange battle to wage against the people who are coming to your restaurant to pay for what truly isn't all that great of a burrito.

Anyway, Efrain led my mind astray, back to that night in Boulder. And who should appear for the first time in months on my messenger? Lauren. Naturally, I put on my happy face just in time to learn that she's moving in with her almost-a-year-now boyfriend, a mysterious man named Gil. I immediately regaled her with stories from my dating life, how nothing's working, how the women I meet either like me more than I like them or vice versa, how I continually screw things up in this department. More than anything, I think I came across as more pathetic than was necessary, especially when speaking to an ex. I want so badly for her to be happy, and yet, for whatever reason, feel that my happiness will be directly compared to hers.

Lauren, you are my satellite. At least, I can hope.



"Maybe you will always be/just a little out of reach."

Edit: The video may make you sick. If you have trouble watching spinning things, either don't watch or grab a trashcan.