My thoughts and feelings are completely out of control.
My sleep schedule, along with my stomach, is in tatters.
If I'm not thinking about her, I'm not thinking.
On the one hand, she thanks me for pulling her near when she's pushing me away. I'm her shoulder to cry on when she needs to vent about work, or her mom, or her family. I'm her "rock," as she puts it.
On the other, I barely talked to her yesterday. Our only correspondence was through one instant message conversation, which lasted all of five minutes. When I asked her to call me last night, she said she didn't know if she could because she was going out with the girls. True to form, I got no call on the way out to meet the girls, and when I woke up with nightmares at 4am, and foolishly checked my phone, found that I'd gotten no call on her way home from being with the girls.
And the coup de gras: Friday night, the night we'd been planning to have together for Valentine's Day dinner? Canceled, due to a meeting at work. At 7pm. On a Friday night.
Ahem. Excuse me?
I don't know what's more insulting. The idea that I should just be okay with that, or the idea that I shouldn't be suspicious. I mean, would ANYONE not be suspicious?
All in all, it hurts me. It hurts me because I don't know what to believe anymore. I think there's someone else, someone who is taking up her time, whispering sweet nothings (those are MY sweet nothings, you douchenozzle!), and stealing my girl away from me.
And yet, she can tell me she loves me without issue... But the words aren't the thing, right? The feeling is the thing, right? And you can't fake it, right? And if she had any feeling at all for me, she wouldn't lie to me... Right?
I'm just feeling very alone, very betrayed, and very hurt. And to me, to call her on it and come away with nothing - to have her prove her meeting, her evening with the girls, et al - would be a tragic ending right out of Shakespeare.
Say nothing, and live a lie.
Say something, and end with nothing.
Say nothing, and end with nothing anyway.
Of the three, I'd choose the last. I know I'm a fool for doing so. Someone straighten me out. Please, please straighten me out.
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4 comments:
Jealousy is over rated. Especially if it's imagined. No one benefits and it hurts like hell, annoys like hell, and just tears shit up for no good reason. The Saminator is awesome. He has nothing to worry about. I've been working straight through the entire month of February. 7pm meetings happen. They blow goats. Girls nights happen, and deserve their space, their respect. Give yourself some space to breathe. Go to the gym and sweat the anxiety away. It'll feel awesome. And for the record, all the expectations revolving around a holiday celebrating un-spontaneous canned romance and pent up tension involving a fat naked toddler with wings, armed with weaponry, is the dumbest thing ever. Smile. It's almost the weekend :)
I wish I didn't know how you feel. But you can only go on saying nothing for so long... let it slide for a little while. But if it continues, you need to ask her what's up. But not in an accusatory way.
you sound severely frazzled. to the point of physical detriment. you forgot this option:
say something, regardless of the outcome you keep your dignity.
uhm, having been torn before, sometimes, and this may not be popular or right, sometimes you just be happy with the time you do have together and block out all the imaginary (true or not) bullshit. Sometimes, you enjoy someone because of the way you feel for them and the way they make you feel and for the butterflies and for the human experience of feeling anything.
But truly, what the hell do I know? I just hope on the olde deathe beade I have no regrets and I loved everyone I loved the best I could, whether love was returned or not.
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