And now, a post of silence on the ninth anniversary of my father's passing.

Miss you pop. Wish you could see me now.

GOLF????? He gave up GOLF??????????????

Talkin' bout my g-g-generation

The generation that I'm in - Generation Y, if you want to call it that (and have me shoot myself in the balls!) - is an interesting group. Far from the "Greatest Generation" of WWII era veterans in a hopeful existence filled with tranquility and pink houses and suburbs and all the rest, we're a self-absorbed bunch of self-medicated-and-self-psychoanalyzed idiots, all speaking out loud like we're starring in our own John Cusack film, walking through the narrative of our daily lives like it has any gravity at all.

Not that i'm any better. I analyze every move I make 30 times before I make it, first checking with friends and select coworkers about the best course of action. We're afraid of our own shadow, scared to offend, or stand up, or... do anything on our own. Which seemingly runs counter to the very American idealism we tend to espouse.

We hate ourselves, pray we don't become like our parents, seek immediate answers to long-term problems (dating sites will be the downfall of this nation's relationships... believe it) and live in a culture which places a premium on replacing difficult parts of life, not fixing the problem. Hole in the dam? Buy a new dam! Car have a flat tire? Buy a new car! Problems with the wife? Match.com will give you 6 months at only $16 per! Find a new wife!

I'm just sick of it. Probably because I'm so wrapped in the same cloth that I so despise.

Sigh.

Birthdays, mortality, and The End

Forgive me a little self-indulgence, if you please.

I turned 29 today. As in, one year from 30. 9 from 20. 11 from 40. 21 from 50.

29, in all respects, should not be a "big deal" birthday (my list is as follows: 16, 21, 25, 26, 30, 40, 50). However, in my family, the DW men do not last beyond 60. They just don't.

So am I looking at my midlife crisis? This is the question I've been pondering all morning.

Perhaps it's best that I haven't heard "Happy Birthday" from many today. I'm having a lot of trouble seeing what's so "happy" about it.

There are some crazy people in this world.

Is this news? Hardly.

Somehow, a couple months back, while at work, I got on the Internet Trail of New World Order conspiracy theorists that believe, among other things, that the Washington Monument's height is perfectly divisible by '666', that Washington DC is laid out as a pentagram, and that Denver International Airport, our beloved DIA, is to be the central headquarters of the New World Order once the Illuminati comes to power and begins washing our brains of truth.

I don't know where to begin, either. Although I'm starting to think about a trip to DIA to disprove a lot of these theories... they just seem too crazy.

Yes, there's an underground train going from terminals to concourses. Yes, there are a lot of fences and steel and "holding cells" for things like baggage, different departments of airline headquarters, etc. Seems like most of it is an overreaction to some very basic airport infrastructure to me.

However, some of the claims, about the Masons and some sculptures, paintings, etc., are interesting (which is why I ended up on these trails to begin with).

Want to waste an hour or two without knowing you're doing so? Check This Out:



Then, class, do some Google searches. "Denver International Airport New World Order," "DIA murals," etc.

Why would I write about this if I don't believe in, well, any of it? Mostly because I'm fascinated by human nature. I'm fascinated that people would look so deep into a mural at an airport (which the artist says is just about environmentalism in an article HERE) and see all these horrible atrocities, amazed and stunned that someone would take the above video and really believe that a warehouse and a bunch of abandoned land would be used as, essentially, a concentration camp.

Just makes me laugh.

The New Girl

What a mess.

Maggie and I are splitsville, as a result of her being unable or unwilling to take things to the next level. She knows she's making a mistake, knows that she shouldn't be running from this, but here we are. It's a difficult situation to be in, for sure. She says she still wants to end up with me, but for right now, while we're living in different cities and leading, essentially, different lives, she can't do the distance. And while I was initially very hurt by this, and while it still hurts to think about, the fact is that the distance was wearing on both of us in a major way.

So what do I do? Naturally, I call up a girl that I went to high school with, a girl that I reconnected with at our ten year reunion in December. I see what she's up to. We go out, first with her friends, then on our own, then again last night... and it's normal and fulfilling to have a great conversation with a great person over a great dinner, then follow it up with a very nice, sweet kiss at the end of the night when she drops me off at my apartment.

And we feel... empty.

It's the fire that we want. It's the fire that we crave. And if there is no spark, there can be no fire. Right? Or am I overthinking?

Probably overthinking, SDW.

I will see her again. This much I've already decided. And if something were to develop that got more serious, I would certainly be open to that idea. But...

The fire of Maggie cannot be denied. This is my worry. And as turbulent as our relationship was (is?), when I kissed Maggie I felt something. It's something so strong, something that I've never felt before, and something that cannot be easily replaced with conversation and mild interest.

I need that fire. And if it means being consumed by it in a relationship with Maggie, so be it.

The question is, am I required to feel bad that I'm not putting all of myself into this still-very-young whateverthehellitis I have with the new girl? Or should both of our expectations be tempered by the fact that we've just begun?

Becoming too big to manage

My thoughts and feelings are completely out of control.

My sleep schedule, along with my stomach, is in tatters.

If I'm not thinking about her, I'm not thinking.

On the one hand, she thanks me for pulling her near when she's pushing me away. I'm her shoulder to cry on when she needs to vent about work, or her mom, or her family. I'm her "rock," as she puts it.

On the other, I barely talked to her yesterday. Our only correspondence was through one instant message conversation, which lasted all of five minutes. When I asked her to call me last night, she said she didn't know if she could because she was going out with the girls. True to form, I got no call on the way out to meet the girls, and when I woke up with nightmares at 4am, and foolishly checked my phone, found that I'd gotten no call on her way home from being with the girls.

And the coup de gras: Friday night, the night we'd been planning to have together for Valentine's Day dinner? Canceled, due to a meeting at work. At 7pm. On a Friday night.

Ahem. Excuse me?

I don't know what's more insulting. The idea that I should just be okay with that, or the idea that I shouldn't be suspicious. I mean, would ANYONE not be suspicious?

All in all, it hurts me. It hurts me because I don't know what to believe anymore. I think there's someone else, someone who is taking up her time, whispering sweet nothings (those are MY sweet nothings, you douchenozzle!), and stealing my girl away from me.

And yet, she can tell me she loves me without issue... But the words aren't the thing, right? The feeling is the thing, right? And you can't fake it, right? And if she had any feeling at all for me, she wouldn't lie to me... Right?

I'm just feeling very alone, very betrayed, and very hurt. And to me, to call her on it and come away with nothing - to have her prove her meeting, her evening with the girls, et al - would be a tragic ending right out of Shakespeare.

Say nothing, and live a lie.

Say something, and end with nothing.

Say nothing, and end with nothing anyway.

Of the three, I'd choose the last. I know I'm a fool for doing so. Someone straighten me out. Please, please straighten me out.

Some guys have all the luck

Sarah Silverman is Fu**ing Matt Damon

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Fucking Matt Damon. Guess Silverman has a thing for the Catholics...

Yes, We Can.

Waaaaaaaaaassuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?!

Wassup...

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You're all welcome.

Last train to Crazytown

I love her.

I really, really love her.

And yet, I can't get around the fights about inconsequential things that turn into so much more than they should.

We fight differently. I try to look at things very logically, and actually end up politicizing my responses (the "I never said that," "Never said it like that," variety), which pisses her off. She hits below the belt with some of her comments and, me being the delicate flower that I am, I wilt in the face of unfair criticism.

At first, these fights would crop up and I thought we just had to learn how to fight with one another. Now, I'm starting to think there's more to it than that.

What if I've been wrong this whole time? What if this wonderful woman who I think is great for me is not what I thought she was?

Doubting yourself is the toughest part of a situation like this. We've pressed on through fights before, and it's been okay, and I just wonder if I'm fooling myself. But why?

Is it her - and more accurately, us - that keeps me here? Or is it me, and my fear of being alone for the rest of my life?

To borrow from Rob Gordon, "Only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 28. I am of that disposition."

The problem lies within. I feel like if we let go of what we have - something so strong, so passionate, so interesting and fun and great in bed - that we'll both regret it when we look back. And I've spent a ton of my life looking back in regret. I don't wish to add to that list.

SO, blog readers, all three of you: tell me what to do. Is this fixable? Is there a fix for this bridge?

To borrow from the Grammy-winning band Lazyface, "Is anything left?"

Answers should be in essay form.

Alright, you bastards

More blogs are coming, I swear to god. I've been crazy busy with some stuff (including the girl, which I'll update soon) and band (also to be updated).

In the meantime, here ya go, people of Bloggerlandville.