What a mess.
Maggie and I are splitsville, as a result of her being unable or unwilling to take things to the next level. She knows she's making a mistake, knows that she shouldn't be running from this, but here we are. It's a difficult situation to be in, for sure. She says she still wants to end up with me, but for right now, while we're living in different cities and leading, essentially, different lives, she can't do the distance. And while I was initially very hurt by this, and while it still hurts to think about, the fact is that the distance was wearing on both of us in a major way.
So what do I do? Naturally, I call up a girl that I went to high school with, a girl that I reconnected with at our ten year reunion in December. I see what she's up to. We go out, first with her friends, then on our own, then again last night... and it's normal and fulfilling to have a great conversation with a great person over a great dinner, then follow it up with a very nice, sweet kiss at the end of the night when she drops me off at my apartment.
And we feel... empty.
It's the fire that we want. It's the fire that we crave. And if there is no spark, there can be no fire. Right? Or am I overthinking?
Probably overthinking, SDW.
I will see her again. This much I've already decided. And if something were to develop that got more serious, I would certainly be open to that idea. But...
The fire of Maggie cannot be denied. This is my worry. And as turbulent as our relationship was (is?), when I kissed Maggie I felt something. It's something so strong, something that I've never felt before, and something that cannot be easily replaced with conversation and mild interest.
I need that fire. And if it means being consumed by it in a relationship with Maggie, so be it.
The question is, am I required to feel bad that I'm not putting all of myself into this still-very-young whateverthehellitis I have with the new girl? Or should both of our expectations be tempered by the fact that we've just begun?
Monday, March 3, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Becoming too big to manage
My thoughts and feelings are completely out of control.
My sleep schedule, along with my stomach, is in tatters.
If I'm not thinking about her, I'm not thinking.
On the one hand, she thanks me for pulling her near when she's pushing me away. I'm her shoulder to cry on when she needs to vent about work, or her mom, or her family. I'm her "rock," as she puts it.
On the other, I barely talked to her yesterday. Our only correspondence was through one instant message conversation, which lasted all of five minutes. When I asked her to call me last night, she said she didn't know if she could because she was going out with the girls. True to form, I got no call on the way out to meet the girls, and when I woke up with nightmares at 4am, and foolishly checked my phone, found that I'd gotten no call on her way home from being with the girls.
And the coup de gras: Friday night, the night we'd been planning to have together for Valentine's Day dinner? Canceled, due to a meeting at work. At 7pm. On a Friday night.
Ahem. Excuse me?
I don't know what's more insulting. The idea that I should just be okay with that, or the idea that I shouldn't be suspicious. I mean, would ANYONE not be suspicious?
All in all, it hurts me. It hurts me because I don't know what to believe anymore. I think there's someone else, someone who is taking up her time, whispering sweet nothings (those are MY sweet nothings, you douchenozzle!), and stealing my girl away from me.
And yet, she can tell me she loves me without issue... But the words aren't the thing, right? The feeling is the thing, right? And you can't fake it, right? And if she had any feeling at all for me, she wouldn't lie to me... Right?
I'm just feeling very alone, very betrayed, and very hurt. And to me, to call her on it and come away with nothing - to have her prove her meeting, her evening with the girls, et al - would be a tragic ending right out of Shakespeare.
Say nothing, and live a lie.
Say something, and end with nothing.
Say nothing, and end with nothing anyway.
Of the three, I'd choose the last. I know I'm a fool for doing so. Someone straighten me out. Please, please straighten me out.
My sleep schedule, along with my stomach, is in tatters.
If I'm not thinking about her, I'm not thinking.
On the one hand, she thanks me for pulling her near when she's pushing me away. I'm her shoulder to cry on when she needs to vent about work, or her mom, or her family. I'm her "rock," as she puts it.
On the other, I barely talked to her yesterday. Our only correspondence was through one instant message conversation, which lasted all of five minutes. When I asked her to call me last night, she said she didn't know if she could because she was going out with the girls. True to form, I got no call on the way out to meet the girls, and when I woke up with nightmares at 4am, and foolishly checked my phone, found that I'd gotten no call on her way home from being with the girls.
And the coup de gras: Friday night, the night we'd been planning to have together for Valentine's Day dinner? Canceled, due to a meeting at work. At 7pm. On a Friday night.
Ahem. Excuse me?
I don't know what's more insulting. The idea that I should just be okay with that, or the idea that I shouldn't be suspicious. I mean, would ANYONE not be suspicious?
All in all, it hurts me. It hurts me because I don't know what to believe anymore. I think there's someone else, someone who is taking up her time, whispering sweet nothings (those are MY sweet nothings, you douchenozzle!), and stealing my girl away from me.
And yet, she can tell me she loves me without issue... But the words aren't the thing, right? The feeling is the thing, right? And you can't fake it, right? And if she had any feeling at all for me, she wouldn't lie to me... Right?
I'm just feeling very alone, very betrayed, and very hurt. And to me, to call her on it and come away with nothing - to have her prove her meeting, her evening with the girls, et al - would be a tragic ending right out of Shakespeare.
Say nothing, and live a lie.
Say something, and end with nothing.
Say nothing, and end with nothing anyway.
Of the three, I'd choose the last. I know I'm a fool for doing so. Someone straighten me out. Please, please straighten me out.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Some guys have all the luck
Sarah Silverman is Fu**ing Matt Damon
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Fucking Matt Damon. Guess Silverman has a thing for the Catholics...
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Fucking Matt Damon. Guess Silverman has a thing for the Catholics...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Last train to Crazytown
I love her.
I really, really love her.
And yet, I can't get around the fights about inconsequential things that turn into so much more than they should.
We fight differently. I try to look at things very logically, and actually end up politicizing my responses (the "I never said that," "Never said it like that," variety), which pisses her off. She hits below the belt with some of her comments and, me being the delicate flower that I am, I wilt in the face of unfair criticism.
At first, these fights would crop up and I thought we just had to learn how to fight with one another. Now, I'm starting to think there's more to it than that.
What if I've been wrong this whole time? What if this wonderful woman who I think is great for me is not what I thought she was?
Doubting yourself is the toughest part of a situation like this. We've pressed on through fights before, and it's been okay, and I just wonder if I'm fooling myself. But why?
Is it her - and more accurately, us - that keeps me here? Or is it me, and my fear of being alone for the rest of my life?
To borrow from Rob Gordon, "Only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 28. I am of that disposition."
The problem lies within. I feel like if we let go of what we have - something so strong, so passionate, so interesting and fun and great in bed - that we'll both regret it when we look back. And I've spent a ton of my life looking back in regret. I don't wish to add to that list.
SO, blog readers, all three of you: tell me what to do. Is this fixable? Is there a fix for this bridge?
To borrow from the Grammy-winning band Lazyface, "Is anything left?"
Answers should be in essay form.
I really, really love her.
And yet, I can't get around the fights about inconsequential things that turn into so much more than they should.
We fight differently. I try to look at things very logically, and actually end up politicizing my responses (the "I never said that," "Never said it like that," variety), which pisses her off. She hits below the belt with some of her comments and, me being the delicate flower that I am, I wilt in the face of unfair criticism.
At first, these fights would crop up and I thought we just had to learn how to fight with one another. Now, I'm starting to think there's more to it than that.
What if I've been wrong this whole time? What if this wonderful woman who I think is great for me is not what I thought she was?
Doubting yourself is the toughest part of a situation like this. We've pressed on through fights before, and it's been okay, and I just wonder if I'm fooling myself. But why?
Is it her - and more accurately, us - that keeps me here? Or is it me, and my fear of being alone for the rest of my life?
To borrow from Rob Gordon, "Only people of a certain disposition are afraid of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 28. I am of that disposition."
The problem lies within. I feel like if we let go of what we have - something so strong, so passionate, so interesting and fun and great in bed - that we'll both regret it when we look back. And I've spent a ton of my life looking back in regret. I don't wish to add to that list.
SO, blog readers, all three of you: tell me what to do. Is this fixable? Is there a fix for this bridge?
To borrow from the Grammy-winning band Lazyface, "Is anything left?"
Answers should be in essay form.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Alright, you bastards
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